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Setting Boundaries With People Who Drain You


You've probably got a person or two in your life known as an "energy vampire." You know the type. You feel completely emotionally drained, frustrated, and negative after spending time with them. They suck your positive vibes out like a vampire does to blood. They are the people in your life who unload their problems on you without your permission. They are the ones who give out unsolicited advice. They may or may not love to gossip or start drama. They likely have poor boundaries. But one thing is for sure, no matter what form they come in, an energy vampire will leave you feeling drained.

It's important to note that these people in your life are not necessarily bad people. They might really be unable to cope with the problems in their own life. They may not know how their energy sucking behavior is affecting you. Boundaries are key in these relationships. This is your shield against the energy vampire. Learn to use it wisely. Here's how:

1. Be able to identify the energy sucker
Learning how to call it like you see it is the first step to setting boundaries. Getting in touch with your body will allow you to recognize your own feelings when you are around them. Listen to what your body has to say. Do you find yourself getting tense while around them? Tired? Stomach ache? An urge to bolt out the door? Notice those feelings. Your body may be trying to tell you that the person you are spending time with is draining your energy and sucking out your positive vibes. Listen to it. Find a way to excuse yourself or turn down the invitation to hang out.

2. Don't get sucked in
Recognize that no matter what you do, you cannot "fix" their problems. Or anyone else's problems, for that matter. Chronically negative people will have a complaint about any solution that is offered to them. Instead of responding to their complaints with advice or suggestions, express empathy for their situation, and simply reflect their emotions back to them. Then, express your confidence in them for dealing with the situation on their own. For example, "it sucks you're dealing with that bossy co-worker. I can see you're really angry about it. I'm certain you'll figure out a way to handle it." Giving short and sweet responses like this helps the energy sucker feel heard, but also redirects the problem back to them. This boundary frees you from feeling responsible for "fixing" their problems.

3. Spend less time with them
Pulling away a bit from these relationships is necessary to recharge. If you're constantly feeling drained, you need time away to regain your energy. If you absolutely cannot avoid the energy sucker in your life, let them know upfront that you only have a few minutes to chat, or that you'd prefer not to talk about X, Y, or Z. It doesn't make you rude. You can absolutely set this limit in an empathetic, caring way.

4. Ask them to ask permission
Let your energy vampire friend/family member/co-worker/etc know that you want to support them, but that when you are drained or not in the right headspace, you aren't able to be 100% there for them. Ask them to check in with you before mentally unloading to see if you're in the right place to hold space for them. By setting this boundary, you are compassionately letting them know that you want to be there for them, but that in order to be the best support that you can, you have to have your limits.

5. Tell them how you feel
Express to your energy sucker how you feel when they gossip or complain. Have this conversation when you are cool and collected, not when you're frustrated and drained. Be straightforward and them know how their behavior has impacted you, while also reminding them of how much you value the relationship.

6. Know when to cut it off
If you've expressed your feelings and set appropriate boundaries, and your energy sucker continues to cross those lines, it might be time to cut it off.

Having an energy vampire in your life can be exhausting. Knowing how to handle your own boundaries is key to healthy friendships and relationships. By setting healthy boundaries, you're able to minimize the damage done by energy vampires, and protect your relationship with them from potential drainage and resentment.



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