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Navigating Romantic Relationships with a Mental Health Diagnosis

Relationships are complicated. Mental health issues are complex. Put the two together, and things can get real, really quick. Since we are nearing Valentine's Day, let's talk about juggling dating and romance--while navigating your own mental health.

Mental Health Issues Make Dating More Stressful
Dating is stressful for everyone. Having jitters before a first date, or wondering when to text is nerve-racking. For those who suffer with depression and anxiety, you might go into over-thinking mode, wondering if you screwed up, or feeling like you're not good enough. Mental health conditions can turn the volume of dating stress up to 10. Having an arsenal of effective coping tools is key. Finding relaxation and grounding techniques that work for you can help offset anxiety that is worsened by putting yourself out there.

Deciding If You're Ready to Date
Struggling with mental health issues is no small feat. It can be a daily struggle. Adding intimacy and a relationship to this can sometimes be very difficult. If you're wondering if you're ready to date or start a relationship, a good place to check in with yourself would be your reason for dating. Understand that beginning a relationship will not "fix" the problems that you are struggling with. Mental health issues like depression, anxiety, or trauma have deeper issues, and although intimate connections with others temporarily lift the emotions of these disorders, the underlying causes remain. Managing your condition takes time and effort, and while partners and loved ones are often supportive, the work is yours and yours alone.

Understanding What You Have to Offer
When I talk with my clients about their desire to date, they are sometimes worried about what they have to offer in a new relationship. Focus on the qualities that are important to you in relationships, and ways that you can strengthen those values within yourself.

Knowing Your Boundaries
Boundaries are important in all relationships. Before jumping into the dating world, take time to consider your boundaries. Do you need alone time more frequently that your potential partner does? Are you ready for sex? Do you need to clarify your communication style, or your communication needs? Can you be more clear about commitment and what you want? Often, when we are eager to connect with others, we let our boundaries slide. Boundaries are what keep relationships healthy. They protect us and our relationships. Understand your boundaries and be ready to communicate them upfront and early on.

When to Share Your Diagnosis
Many people experience reluctance about sharing their diagnosis with others, particularly with a potential dating partner. There are lots of reasons for this--the stigma surrounding mental health issues, fear of turning off the other person, or fear of the other person misunderstanding what all the diagnosis means. If you're dating and thinking of committing to a relationship, it's important to share information with your partner. This information will be key to your partner's understanding if you're having an episode, and will also help them to know what you need from them in these moments. However, you don't have to lay it all out on the first date. Wait until you see if you're compatible with this person, and if they are someone that you trust before sharing.

How to Share Your Diagnosis
It's best to choose a time when you are not in an acute episode--when you can think and express yourself most clearly, and are generally stable. Let your partner know that you have something you want to share with them that will help them understand you more. Be prepared to answer their questions, if you feel comfortable, and perhaps bring some books or links to websites that you feel are informative about your diagnosis. Give your partner time to digest this information. Learning that someone you care about is struggling with their mental health is difficult. They may need time to process.

Beware of Unhealthy Patterns
Understand that mental health issues are a completely separate thing from patterns of abuse in relationships. Having a mental illness is not an excuse for abusive behavior. This article by the National Domestic Violence Hotline offers key points in understanding the difference.

Know Your Worth
Above all, know that you are worthy of a partner who is understanding and accepting of your struggles. Remember that you deserve a healthy relationship, regardless of the status of your mental health.

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